Dialogue and Hearken. contd.

as manhar said when he read the end: "even if it is bad, it fits well with the title of your blog." [trigger warning for said end: mention of death]

(the one in the box quotes is manhar)

Let’s change tracks now a little bit. I want your thoughts on friendship and loneliness. Have you ever felt lonely in a group? Especially in a group of ‘good friends’ - a feeling of detachment and sometimes even repulsion - where you can’t bring yourself to associate with other people around you and you want to fall into an abyss? My questions are kind of leading and putting words into your mouth but I guess you understand. 

I made a list of questions I would want to touch upon, and the dichotomy of friendship and loneliness was one of them, how surprising.

It used to happen with me a lot in my early teens, I wished to fit in with the cool crowd, and pretty desperately too, and that did not go great, to put it euphemistically. Since then I have made a conscious choice to not do that, and that is also why I have very few friends. Regarding being detached, yes, I do feel that, somewhat even constantly, but that is also because I seek to find people who are almost, if not exactly like me, which is a strange thing to look out for, partially because there are way too many people on the planet.   

It has always been like this, but I have grown to be comfortable around it now. I used to get very anxious about not “fitting in” earlier, but now I feel I can embrace the loneliness (which I think is a sad thing to say.), because it seems like the better alternative of the two - the other being, getting repulsed by the presence of people. But in the same context, it is a very romantic thing to say “oh I love being alone, I don’t care for people”. The abyss is very much real, and when you stare at it for long enough, it seems to have gotten closer than last time. 

I think my question is sort of related to what you asked, let’s see. You are great at public speaking, you would be humble enough to disagree, but that would be a lie. Do you think there exists a paradox of sorts in not being able to “fit in” amongst a crowd of your peers (or potential friends) on one hand, and being good at the same thing when it comes to debating or something like that? The way I perceive it is that the lack of conversing on one front fuels the other, but that is a mere assumption. How do you think about it?

I don’t actually see it as a paradox but two very different things. When I am with people generally, there’s no task to be done so I just wish to feel at ease. I don’t want to “fit in” or any of that. It is just a desire to be able to be in the moment without any pre meditations or repulsions - to feel ‘at home.’ I wish the conversation to be an end in itself although most of the time it becomes a means to an end - namely killing time. Debating and public speaking on the other hand, are ‘formal’, ‘academic’ endeavors where I know my role and my place in the scheme of things and I have a point to make (well, most of the time). The spoken word there is not contingent on how people perceive it. To be honest, it is contingent but what I am perhaps trying to say is that in the ‘formal’ public speaking sphere, there is a purpose to why I am in the moment and the audience is genuinely interested in that. I, too, am more confident about my argument and there’s no requirement of saying or doing what others are saying or doing (isn’t that called fitting in?). Your interpretation of the lack of one fueling the other is a rather interesting way of looking at it and who knows, it may be true as well. If I do think about it, I would agree with you at some level insofar as I do prioritise situations where my presence and words matter but really, I do not think that the two are mutually exclusive. I have had great (good would be a better word I guess) friendships co-exist with the fact of public speaking and the two of them haven’t really gotten in each other’s way. 

This next question may be a little cliched but have you ever felt really good about yourself after realising that you have had an impact, however small, on someone else’s life? Not even impact but simply the feeling of having touched someone and having been touched so much so that when you think about that bond, it lifts your spirits? 

There is a certain disconnect I feel with “positive” emotions, and I cannot put into words the why of it really. I don’t think I do or have done anything to create an impact on someone’s life? That might not necessarily be true, but it seems like a strange line of thought to think thoughts on. However, I am often prompted to think of how special and rare bonds are, and that does make me happy, that I created these bonds, with other human beings, there went time, energy, and so much care into it, and now there would exist at least some amount remembrance  when they think of me - whether good or bad. The opposite is true as well.  

I run out of words, so I will ask you something, I am just pleasantly curious about it. What sort of food do you like, and in an extension to that, what is your relationship like with it?

Relationship with food. What an interesting question.. how do you even think about it? See - I like eating good food and I like cooking too - but my definition of good food is very very limited. I grew up in a small town and I seldom went out. Therefore, I only relish rich, a little spicy, masala-infused North Indian food. At home, my favourite combo would be yellow dal with paneer ki bhurji and raw onions. I also love desserts - a hot gulab jamun with cold ice cream is inexplicably good. Coming to my relationship with it. I really don’t know how to answer that. To me, food represents people also - so eating at the dinner table together with the family where your mom forces you to eat one more chapatti - that is a beautiful memory. Eating a sumptuous meal after a day of intense work has its own charm. Cooking food with the hope that it will turn out something delicious and give happiness to people is even more fun. Yeah, I will say just that. But you answer - what is your relationship with food? Why did you think of that question?

I love food very dearly, and I really think everyone tells a different story when it comes to the dishes they love, and it is always very comforting to know about it. I recall my nani (non-hindi speakers: maternal grandmother) telling me how festive food was for them, how her mother loved cooking for their huge joint family, and I can sense that anecdote - so much so I feel drifted away to the old streets of Calcutta. Food is not really about the eating part of it - it has so much love and culture attached to it, and that is what draws me to think about it as well. 

Also, I have got to try hot gulab jamun and ice cream, I have heard only positive reviews about it. I am assuming it is vanilla ice cream that goes well with it?

Yeah it’s vanilla and it’s one of the best things in the world.

Do you find yourself at odds with other people when they rave about how city life is? Because I can never see the charm behind it, and usually I cannot wait to get away from it, the first chance I get. I have a feeling you would agree with me on it, I just want to see how you write it. 

The problem with answering this question is: what else if not city life? What I mean is that most of us, at least those belonging to this privileged class we come from, have always lived in cities. So, we do not have a reference point. Notwithstanding, I agree with you - the incessant busy-ness of a city and its utter lack of peace is something that I have noticed time and again. Although I haven’t lived in a rural setting, I can surely contrast my experiences in my hometown and those in Delhi and now Bangalore. Metropolitan cities really have two sides to them - actually, there are infinite sides to everything but for simplification purposes - one, which excites me and another which tires me. There is a certain charm in a fast moving city - maybe you will agree with me - its openness and potential with its multitude of opportunities excites one to expand one's horizons. However, and you will agree with this more, with time, this freedom becomes its own slave. As I said, the lack of simplicity, ease and comfort which are really the hallmark of a non-metro life begin to drag you down. Sitting in the cab and looking out from the window at night, those yellow night lights seem as if they are tired too and want to switch off and rest. But, they cannot. 

Wanna spice things up a little? Here it goes - GOD. 

I don’t necessarily believe in god, or that religion does good things? The oppression-discrimination-marginalization trifecta of it usually takes precedence for me. That being said, I have seemed to find myself at a crossroads in deciding what religion and culture is- for me personally. I don’t really enjoy celebrating any festivals, but Durga Puja, which I do like being a part of, predominantly because of the culture attached to it. I enjoy festivals in bits and pieces, the puja aspect of them not so much, because I think, (I should read up more on it, this is a very basic opinion) engaging in them, reinstates and helps sustain (for us unconsciously, for a lot of people, no.) the majoritarian values, since throughout history, it was these festivals, and these gods, caste-oppressed people were kept away from.

It’s not a very refined thought, you talk god.

It’s hard, you know. I don’t really understand my own equation with God now. There was a time when I said that I didn’t believe in there being a person in the shape of an idol somewhere above but I believed that there was a power, a force that could be experienced. Lately however, even that belief seems to be shaky. Idols were made by man to experience that force and there was a time when I could feel a connection with idols but now, I feel nothing. Reading about philosophy and being around people who don’t believe in God has influenced me quite a bit and led me to question the existence of God. However, I cannot desert faith either. As irrational as it may be, I want there to be something like faith - spirituality - cosmic force, whatever you call it. The idea that we are alone just seems scary. As an anchor at least, the idea of believing in something larger than ourselves is comforting. 

Alright, last question now and please note - you are not allowed to throw this question back at me. How’s Life going on? Do you dream? Are you excited and enthusiastic about things you are doing? Are there things you look forward to? This is not a question I ask just of you, I ask this of myself almost on a daily basis but cannot gather enough strength to really answer it. In your answer perhaps, I will find some inspiration. 

I told you the other day on text - life is going usual, you seemed to like that reply quite a bit. Life is mundane, and sad, and empty, with some bouts of happiness, and hope, and it is fine and not-fine. Do I dream - in sleep, yes. It is usually that I am dying, (oh god, I am going to end this on such a positive note) and then I wake up - not dead. On some days I wish that were not the case, but that is because I am afraid - of my actual-more fathomable dreams, for the people, of how recurring the floods in Uttarakhand have become, and of living.

I am excited right now, in anticipation of how this thing that I am writing is going to end, not essentially looking forward to the thought that so many people would be reading this though.

I will again wake up tomorrow, undead, but that is as far as my knowing goes. But I am aware of this - We will be okay, all of us.

I will end with the words of one of my very dear friends: 

I dream with the hope of sleeping, 

I sleep with the hope of dreaming. 

The End.  

for the first half (i am certain you have come from there, but in case you did not,) click here, you won’t regret it.

Photo credit: John-Mark Smith from Pexels